Once again the tables get turned on me. Suddenly I am the one at fault.
When is he going to grow the hell up? I'm tired of this game. He need's to go find someone else's life to screw up.

Why is everything so complicated for him? Why can't he just stop thinking of what he want's and just do what other people want for a change.

My day was going to end on a high note but then this happen's. Sometime's I wonder if I am destined to argue every day of my life.

All that glitters is not gold and beware of the skeleton in the closet.

Today I woke up tired as hell. I never feel rested enough after sleeping. Even on day's when I actually sleep early I sill feel as if I partied too hard and knocked back too much liquor. Well that's the joy of motherhood.

I had to oblige the husband today and wake up early so we could got to the bank to cash my check. Upon my waking up I realized that I didn't have anything "nice" to wear. Most of my clothes are usually stained as soon as I wear it.

So sighing I go through my whole laundry bag looking for a clean shirt when all I find is "house wear" which is basically stuff I would only wear around my house. I needed something that screamed SOPHISTICATION.

I got a little pissed and decided to just to go out in a t-shirt. A shirt that my husband could lend me because all of my shirt's had stains on them no matter how many time's I cleaned them.

He pulled out some stuff but they were too guyish. So I told him I wasn't going. after a couple of minute's he searched through my daughter's bag and saw some of my "outer wear".


I still can't figure out how half of my clothes were in my daughter's laundry bag but whatever. So we went and I cashed my check and got my debit card killing two bird's with one stone.

After that we went to payless to buy some sneaker's for my daughter. The husband ended up buying new shoe's for work.


We left and went to 86th st for some Thai food. I was craving something spicy and I gotta tell ya it's really really good! If you live around that area the 86th st by 5th ave you should really go. It's called Thai Food and it's not that hard to miss, very noticeable. They also serve authentic chinese food. I'm planning on trying the dim sum sometime soon.


Lately i've been reminiscing about the past and I really miss all the good times. I kept thinking about the late night dinner's the husband and I used to have. How we would go to Mc Donald's or 8th ave for some noodles at like 2am. Those were fun times even though we argued alot back then. Being pregnant and craving take out all the time was pretty funny especially since we would be up eating when everyone was sleeping. *Sigh* where does the time go? It just suck's that there was so many secret's being withheld from me back then. Even now I still can't believe what he did during my pregnancy. Oh well, i'll never understand his mind and he will never fully admit to being wrong.


Been lvling my human rogue on WoW. Got her to lvl 15. Eh, not too bad considering I can't play it too often. But I try when I have free time.


Summer is almost over and I can't wait for winter. I know i'm gonna regret saying this because when it gets cold i'm gonna be whining like a baby tee hee.


Well i'm off gotta get prepared for my workout. I slacked off yesterday but I gotta do it tonight since I overindulged with lunch. I couldn't help it the Thai food was sooo yummy!

Certain bad luck is actually "a blessing in disguise."

So, lately i've been playing Jade Empire on my xbox. I never finished it only got up to the third chapter which i'm up to right now. I had to order it online since they didn't have it in store. I originally had it when it first came out a few yr's back but when I moved upstate I somehow lost the cd. So now after ordering it from amazon.com I finally can finish it. I forgot how much fun this game was [battle wise]. I can't remember why I never finished it. I assume it was because at the time I was looking for a job and my dad was annoyed with me letting my gaming distract me from work. Anyway I now have it and can play it as much as I want [the luxury of living away from my parent's.]



My younger brother is staying with me for a few day's. He's been here since sunday and has been consumed with all thing's GAME. He's either playing my gamecube, or on my computer playing maplestory, my ps2 or on the xbox. He's like in kid heaven where all he does is play games. I remember when I was like that, it was so much fun. I miss playing games and not caring about anything else. Just sitting in front of a screen with a controller in my hand's. The soundtrack of the game playing in the background and being in charge of my character's fate. Time does fly and now I don't have the time or effort really to play as much. I'm still a gamer at heart though. I'll enjoy a game or two once in awhile. Other than that i'm focused on

• 1. Trying to finish my degree.
  
• 2.Dealing with a loser *cough* you know who you are.
  
• 3.Getting away.....

I believe that we all have a certain purpose in life whether you be poor or rich. Whether you work or not there is a reason for it. I'm not some crazy religious person but sometime's coincidences seem to coincidentally? Sometime's I feel we were supposed to meet that person or have that cetain tragedy in our life to remind us of what we have forgotten. Life is short and we all take thing's for granted. God doesn't intervene ALL the time, but that doesn't mean he doesn't at all. When you least expect it he can remind you of thing's you don't think of and it put's you back on to the path he has in store for you. I know my being in the hospital has been a reminder to eat healthier and to take care of my body. I'm not in charge of just myself anymore. I have a daughter who need's my direction, my guidance and if I don't take care of myself who will take care of her? I just hope that I can be there for her in a positive manner.

The joy's of being a mother and a sister :P

My daughter took her first step's today <(^^)v !

Our children change us... whether they live or not.
-Lois McMaster Bujold

So, i'm sitting here taking break while the husband goes out to get some brand new sheet's for the guest bed. Spent an hour so far cleaning up the house. Yup company is coming over (i.e the parent's). So I have to have this apartment squeaky clean. It's so gray outside i'm waiting for a downpour any minute but still nothing. It's one of those day's where it feels so gloomy and all you want to do is sleep. I don't know if it's just me but on day's like this I feel so lazy and just want to sit around in bed with a nice thick book. There's alway's next time since it's supposedly going to rain again tomorrow. I have to say it is really nice to take a break and i'm glad that the husband went out. Sometime's we need this space because I know i'm moody alot but when you add in his moodiness well it's not a nice picture. So cleaning has made him just as moody as me and i'm tired of just snapping at each other. I really have no patience. Ask anyone.

Earlier this morning my daughter looked as if she might be walking on her own sometime soon. For the first time she let go of my leg's to take a few step's but then she fell. After that she went over to the toy my parent's bought her (it's a toy that fold's into a walker) which she has been to afraid to use and actually started walking with it. I couldn't believe it and she started to laugh. Then she was going way to fast which led to her almost falling but I was so proud of her. I have been waiting for this day since she was about seven month's. Now it's just waiting for that day where she'll continue to take those step's by herself. Watching her gradually overcome her obstacle's just remind's me that each day bring's her closer and closer to adulthood.

So, i'm sitting here trying to figure out why i'm so quick to anger when it come's to my husband. Every time I ask him to do something and if he does it wrong I snap at him. I've tried many time's to tell him nicely that it was done wrong but whenever he speaks something inside me just coil's up in anger. Many time's when we argue he alway's find's some excuse to make it seem as if it wasn't his fault. For example today while he was "watching" my daughter and my little brother something went wrong. I was sitting in the same room watching television when all of a sudden my daughter start's crying. Looking over at them I notice that my husband is holding my daughter over her birthday present which was this toy that folds up to become like a walker and also converts to a little car type. So my daughter was sitting on it with my husband behind her and the only thing I can think of to make her cry was that the toy was moved forward and the wheel went over her toe. Now my younger brother was supposedly there but when I looked up I didn't even see him. So I asked my husband what happened and he said "I don't know". That's the typical answer I get whenever we are home and something happen's to my daughter while he is "watching her". Now I understand thing's happen. Accident's happen. After he said I don't know I asked him again what happened and this time he say's that it was my little brother that pushed the toy forward. Now in my mind my little brother must be a really fast silent runner because I didn't see or hear him run away. I asked him again what happened and again he said "I don't know". So we got into a little argument with me just saying "just admit you weren't watching them" but of course he's not going to admit he was wrong and blame it on someone else. Our whole relationship and the problem's we had are all blamed on "something or someone else". I've had time's when watching my daughter that thing's have gone wrong and I have admitted it was my fault. I've even called him at work to tell him if something happen's and I say it was my fault. So maybe you can understand why I don't can't fathom why he just can't admit to wrong doing.



I know this is supposed to be a joyous day with visiting my family and celebrating my daughter's birthday but seriously why can't he just admit he wasn't watching the kid's, that he was wrong for once in his life. I've never met someone that i've had to really force a confession out of. I really don't like looking like the bad guy. My mom looked at me like I was crazy getting pissed off but she doesn't deal with him on a daily basis like I do. She doesn't see the different side to his personality. He's all nice and gracious to my family but he doesn't show the selfish side that he show's to me in private. That is why i've stopped telling my mom how annoyed and angry I get with him. She just doesn't understand. All she think's is that I am the one overreacting but that is really not true. I just really wish that someone besides myself could see the real person he is and finally say to me "I understand now why you are the way you are." instead of looking at me like I have the issue's. I have issue's with him yes and they are very valid considering our past. I just don't like him acting fake and letting my parent's assume that he is doing nothing wrong. Everyday I hear "you have to keep pushing him to get a new job" i'm already doing that and arguing with him about it. My dad say's that all the time in front of him and he doesn't say anything like "oh yeah, she does remind me almost every single day. It's my fault for not focusing." As alway's I look like i'm not doing anything and just letting him forget his priority. Again i've stopped telling my mom how we argue about him finding new work because she'll just say "you need to stop getting so angry."



I just can't take the bullshit anymore. I'm so tired of being singled out when it's him that doesn't do shit but work at his "I don't want to work there anymore" job. Why the hell does he complain to me all the time about his current job when he's doing nothing about it???!!!



UGH!

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own
reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the
mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is
enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day.
Never lose a holy curiosity.

-Albert Einstein

Being sick suck's it really, really does. I've been sick before but never the way I was from last thursday till sunday. I alway's counted myself lucky because for the past year and a half I haven't gotten seriously ill. I didn't really count the time's when I had my stomach episodes because it would go away after a couple of hour's. But this time it was different. It started with the usual heartburn with it's burning path from my throat down to my stomach, but after awhile it began to get worse and soon I had pain radiating through my back. My breathing became shallow and I felt as if I was going to pass out. Moving caused even more pain. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat and I couldn't even hold my daughter.



My husband wanted me to go to the hospital right away but I figured I could wait it out like all the other time's. In my mind I felt I could overcome the pain like all the other time's. Since it was thursday my husband had to go to work. He asked me one more time if I wanted to go before he left but again I said no. I figured in time the pain would lessen and having him take off for work would be useless. So he left and I went to taking care of my daughter. At 3pm I fed her and then put her to bed. I went to my usual spot sitting down on the edge of my bed and put the t.v on hoping it would distract me from my pain. An hour later the pain got worse and I went into the fetal position thinking I was gonna die. I knew then that this was not a regular attack. Taking my cell I called my husband and left him a message to take me to the hospital.



Upon reaching the hospital I filled out the usual form's and waited for about an hour. After telling a nurse my symptom's I was brought to the emergency room to wait to be seen. This was my first time actually being in an emergency room and it was definitely nothing like Grey's Anatomy. It's chaos back there. There's bed's filled with sick people everywhere, doctor's and nurses hurrying about checking on patients, machine's in every corner. There really was no room to walk. After waiting on and off and getting my IV set in I was sent to get a sonogram and have my blood tested. At the end of 7hrs in the ER I was told to have Chronic cholecystitis i.e gallbladder disease. It's a condition in which "gallstones are formed when bile contains too much cholesterol. The excess cholesterol forms crystals from which gallstones are made." There is no way to tell when I can have another attack. I was told it can be day's, week's even month's. I have the option of removing my gallbladder though which I intend to do.



The doctor told me they couldn't offer me that option because this was the first time I came to the ER with this problem.....fuck that! This pain has been going on for almost a year it just wasn't this bad until now. I intend to get the surgery and i'm not going to that ER again. I'm not going to wait another 6 to 7hrs just to be told I have the option to remove my gallbladder. So i'm going straight to a doctor's office to check out where I can go to get the surgery. This illness isn't a joke it can cause cancer and being a mother my life is no joke. I have a duty to my child and I intend to stick to that and be alive for a long,long time.



I really have to say that I think god has done this to me for a reason. More of a wake up call because i've been losing faith in alot of area's of my life. I've been let down so much in the past 2 and a half yr's and I really want to believe that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. I prayed to god while I was in pain and I believe he heard me and has given me another chance to right some wrongs in my life. He's also been merciful and took off 8lb's from my body. I've been struggling with my weight since having my daughter and I know now that with prayer I can get through this.



With prayer I can get through anything....